I find the years have blurred the fragments of my memory. Some, I recall with vibrant detail. The rest, the things forgotten such as the names I need prompted to recall, the faces that seem familiar, but have no spark of recognition beyond that, frighten me with this revelation. How long has it been, since more then a trigger or something lodged with a visual to go along with it, has prompted me to remember a darn instance?
That is an absolutely terrifying insight to my own life thus far.
I recalled every shard of a sharp word, every bruise, and every injury that I was awake for or even told of. It is much harder to recall times of joy, of peace, or of happiness, before I met the significant other in my life six years ago. Heck, I still have nightmares of the before on the rougher days. There’s salt to having that many wounds for anyone, it’s no wonder that they don’t heal.
How ever, fear has been replaced by a soft calm. It’s not dependency, but the capacity to find yourself in surprise. For in an seeming instant, you find yourself trusting this other person beyond the point of your ability to believe it. But, yet, one doesn’t question such a truth when it is returned so whole – heart by the other one who has received your confidence.
I have a long journey. Where it will end I do not know, where it began, I will never be free of. But, while I cannot escape the past, I no longer run from it. There’s that at least, when you face the disasters you’ve survived through. Stubborn natures give you the need to fight against all odds, and sometimes it helps you live long enough to find hope again.
I won’t lie. Time is patient, but you might not be. There’s a deterrent that you might struggle with in yourself, an ache that pulls you away from your needs, from what you need. Depression isn’t always the reason, nor is anger at the world. But the blood spilt, the tears cried, and crushed soul remember. All I can be honest about is it is not easy. It will never be easy. But, it is possible to build something from nothing, to begin, to have a place, or a purpose. No queasy, sappy, despair free lives exist for those in my situation. How ever, I find myself loved, and loving, as I am facing a fight, but different kind then what I’m used to.
It is not the past. It is not the future. It is the present and what we do with it, that defines who we will be tomorrow, as we look on this day as behind us then.